In my eyes

I cant help but scream that I have the most wonderful man on this planet. Why? Well…

Yesterday was my birthday. It started with a surprise basket of red roses in the morning as soon as I stepped into the office from my beau. And the card! Oh my! The card was a size infinity card. So large, and the words, so intense and so true.

And when evening came, I was whisked off to a five star hotel for a wonderful meal and then just when I was thinking that this was too good to be true, the lights dim and I hear loud drums and people start singing happy birthday while walking towards me carrying a cake. Wow. You can imagine by now i’m on cloud nine. I’ve only seen that in the movies and well, I never thought it would be happening to me. And then to crown the evening off, I traveled home in a London taxi, something I’d always wanted to do but never got around to.

Of course the rest of the day was wonderful. My friends either passed by or sent me texts, my aunty bought me a cake which was gorged down by people in the office and I got quite a number of gifts (Infact I ended up having 3 cakes on that day). Mom made me a fantastic dinner which I only sampled because I was already so full. In other words I had a wonderful day but what made it so spectacular was the amount of thought heartbeat put into it. He wanted it to be soo perfect, and guess what heartbeat, it was much more than that. It was ideal. Thanks for making my birthday a fairy tale.

You’ve always been there. No matter what i did. No matter how i sometimes nashed. You still were always there. You still loved me and called me yours. And then went ahead to bless me in ways i could never imagine. You favored me in all that i did.

So how could i not trust you? How could my faith waiver? How could i doubt? But Lord, i’m only human. And i’m sorry. Forgive me for making you too small. You are God.

Lord i enlarge you.

Greater than my problems,

greater than my fears,

greater than my life.

Be magnified.

Im fasting today. It’s something that iv only done one other time during my 4 years as a born again Christian (im doing terrible) because let me tell u, I love food. I enjoy eating and just the smell of something nice makes my mouth water. I eat routinely without even a thot to it. But I decided to do this because sometimes God just breaks through for you in the oddest of circumstances and most of the times it happens when you offer up a sacrifice and really surrender to him. His word says that there are some things you pray about and there are somethings you pray and fast about.  So I decided to show my act of sacrifice by giving up something I love. And why lie? It is a struggle. Everyone is eating in the office. The smell of pilau is all over. Then somehow Heartbeat decides to show up and surprise me for lunch…Yaani! But if you are in my situation id ask you to hold on because when temptation sorrounds you, believe me, something is about to happen. I also know it from personal experience. The last time I did this, a friend of mine gave his life to Christ and I experienced God in a miraculous way. I also experienced a closeness to  God like I never had before. Id give up anything to feel that way again. I was conversing to him like he was there, I was walking with him and basking in his presence. It was totally awesome. So today morning, I poured out my heart to him. I told him that I was doing this because I had needs. Needs that I needed breakthroughs for. I asked him to come through for me like he always had. But I also let him know that my deepest desire, my longing, my hearts aching was to be intimate with him. To know him today in a special way.

 

Iv taken you for your word Lord. Iv laid myself bare. Iv stripped off my pride and asked. (John 16:24) So Lord, I pray that you show yourself strong.

 

Its happening again. Chaos has rocked the kibera slums. Its disheartening that such a thing should still be happening in a country where people are claiming to be the initiators of a new dawn of democracy in Africa. Drought, floods, health problems and the impending food crisis are what have caused chaos in the country in the past. But when tribalism or politics is the cause of fracas, then we have to pause and reflect. For how long are we wananchi going to be used as toys by our politicians? For how long will violence continue to rock our cities? And what does it achieve anyway? For how long will our eyes remain closed? This really saddens me. 3 are now dead. When will it stop? When many more have died?

And what is the government doing about it? Insecurity is on the rise and yet no one seems to care. Are we moving back to the Moi regime that we sought so hard to let go of? The kind of era that you could not hold your government to task? When the government was bigger than the people and yet the people are the ones who gave them power?

We need to pray for this country. The year is coming to a close and election year is now looming. But it is scary and i know i speak for many Kenyans who are aching and confused because they do not know what to expect next year, if the number of politically instigated battles that we have seen this year is anything to go by. May God forgive us. May God help us. But mostly, may God open our eyes to vote for a sober minded people. Our pens will do the trick next year.

Im a perfectionist.

I always want things to be perfect not just okay.

I dream of an ideal house, an ideal car, an ideal life..

my career, my academics,

Even small things like my demeanor, my writing…

I desire perfection.

And its killing me to learn,

That life isn’t like that

And that sometimes, all I have to do

Is to look just a little bit harder

And there I will find

The beauty in the flaw

Dear Heartbeat,

Im sitting here thinking about sunday and how one year has gone by so fast. Im thinking how you go out of your way to surprise me and in the process create unforgettable memories. Then nostlagia sweeps in: the suprise birthday party, kitale, our first kiss… Wow! We’ve come from far. You remember how we thought this would never be, the stress… But it’s happening, and it’s great.

I like the way you love, the way you care and the way you show it. How you want the whole world to know. The intensity i see when you look into my eyes…

Your kind nature, and yet you get nothing in return. How you listen, really listen even when im probably boring you to death complaining about one thing or another. The way you jazz me without even trying, the way you make me smile in the oddest of circumstances. You’re the only person i know who can make me laugh in the middle of tears. How you hold me and i feel like everything is gonna be alright. Your unpretence, your sweet nature, your machoness, your gentleness.

I like your ambition, your drive, your confidence. . And yet you still want the best for everyone around you. You inspire me, you motivate me, you encourage me. I like how you believe in me and make me believe in myself more. You’re a true friend. What we have, it goes beyonds…

 

If I could begin to express my thanks,

The list would be endless,

Just knowing you amounts to so much,

And having you is heaven.

And maybe due to pride,

I sometimes seem to hide,

But this one thing, I want you to know,

I’m grateful for the fact that you’re a part of my life

And if ever given a chance

To reverse and start again,

I’d choose you over and over.

 

 

Im enjoying this journey. Every single bit of it. Every moment.

 

I love you teddy bear.

 

 

 

© Dedicated to Heartbeat

 

How honorable of you Mr Kibaki to turn down the hefty pay increase allocated to you by parliament last week. Whatever your reasons, it says alot about you. I personally think that this noble act should stir the rest of the house to start fighting for the cause of ordinary wananchi and stop concentrating on only their salaries and allowances. It’s a move that i hope they will begin to emulate. Kenyans are watching, and even if their mouths may seem shut, their hearts are waiting to see what the rest of the leaders are planning to do ahead of next year’s elections.

Today a stranger showed me kindness…

I’m from the office, going to make an application for social security. If you know Kenya and its reputation with public offices then you know that this is just one of the many things you dread doing. Infact you actually syke up for. So i arrive. Its 12:50pm. Phew! I’m just on time, i tell myself. But the guard on the door doesn’t seem to share my sentiments and tells me to leave and come back at 2pm because it’s already lunch hour and most of the staff have left for lunch. Of course i won’t be able to make it back at 2pm, since i should be back to work by then so i try to explain to her but she really doesn’t care. Then out of nowhere, this lady comes and listens to me pleading. I guess she must have sympathized with me coz she directed me inside and instructed someone to serve me. Ten minutes later, i was leaving, having been served and with a huge smile on my face.

How often do we care about people who do not matter to us? How often do we just ignore? And yet we all want to be treated well by those same ’strangers’. I’v just read an article that says that the greatest gift one can ever receive are the gifts of forgiveness, hope, love, compassion and information. How so true. Lets share a little compassion today

Let us be the one of whom someone will speak and say… ‘today a stranger showed me kindness.’

I’ve always loved to write. You could call it a passion. But it’s the only time, i can freely express myself. And it’s fun too. I hold all sorts of conversations on paper. But mostly, i just speak to myself, about me. When i’m faced with a situation, I argue it out on paper until i finally make sense of it and get a solution (or so i tell myself). When i’m extremely happy, i write it all down. When i’m sad and troubled, you guesed it… i write it down. So i’ve decided to take this a step further and have a blog where i can put down my words and my thoughts on life as i see it and im really excited about this. 4sheezy! But its never easy to pour out your heart to blank impersonal pieces of paper (or in this case web pages) and i’ve found myself having to write and re-write, and then think about it and finally decide that ‘i’m not gonna let the world know that’. So i erase it then decide ‘who cares?’ and write it all over again. 

 

I ran to my room. It was one of those days when everything was going wrong. My heart was heavy. I couldn’t stop the tears so i just let them flow. Then i decided to kneel down and pray. It was there, while on my knees on this day, this wonderful day, this day that i can never erase from my mind that God embraced me and said the words that i so longed to hear:

“Do not be afraid - I will save you.

I have called you by name. You are mine…

I will give up whole nations to save your life because you are precious to me

and because i love you and give you honour “

Is 42:1-5

For the first time in my life, i truly truly prayed. And for the first time, i knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that i serve a LOVING God.